AS IN 'MY WORDS OF WISDOM': 2011

Friday

TRUTH.

I wish I have a secret life.

Everyone does.

Sekian.

I have a lot to say, but nowhere to begin. A lot of things until my head is growing grey hair now. Where do I start? a day ago? A month ago? Years? I don't know. But whatever that is burdening me right now is definitely because of the past. How far would I consider 'the past'? I have no idea. What would be the perfect timeline for me to start? Too many questions. Too many.

Should I cry? Be angry? I have no one to talk to. Not that I don't, basically it's just because I can't. I have been having this dreams of my past. It's like everything flashes back everyday with a different stories. Why am having these dreams? Stupid dreams!, I cursed. Does that reflects my present or probably future? But why are they haunting me now? Nobody knows the answer, even me. Maybe god, if he was the one who's been playing with my head while I sleep.

What do I deserve to get twisted with this kind of life? That should go back to my past I guess. But I wasn't that bad. Was I?

I have a hole in my heart. A big one. And most of it, it is full of regret. It is such a big hole, that I can see the whole world through it. Was that decision a bad call? I can't go back now can I? It's too late. Now I just have to live with it.

How fucked up is that.

Sekian.

Sunday

COUNTING DAYS.

First 7 months before the wedding and the only thing that crossed my mind was, can we go through this?
Will we have the strength to pull things off?
Are we meant for this? Isn't this too soon?
Are we ready for this? (more of am I ready for this).
And all other questions just pop through like it was the end of my life.

Lately, all I can think is that, can I get things done before the big day.
No more doubt on relationship or future thoughts of we fighting or what so ever.
Not even on how our children will look like.
t's only on, can I get it done? Will it be perfect?
Will there be chaos? (which will always be in any wedding).

Then I realised why did I have all this negatives thoughts before.
Simple. Cos I have too much time to kill, and end up thinking of all the nonsense and being paranoid on the unnecessary things.
Now, I could not even think of anything.

I don't have much time left. Only 5 days to go.
To be exact, at this point, I only have 4 days and 17 hours to go.
That is like less than a week. Should I freak out? Hell yeah!
What am I thinking about at this moment?
Hmm... I'm thinking on how will I look on my wedding day.
Will the shoes be ok? Dress? Hijab? Will I gain weight? (Hope not).
Will my make up make me look good?
Its all questions without certain answers.
I'm scared.
More than you could imagine.

At this point, I feel helpless. I'm not allowed to do anything.
I'm not used to not do anything. It's my wedding, and I need to make sure everything to be perfect. At least. Being a control freak as myself is not healthy not to be able to handle anything.

Only one hope, please let everything goes smoothly as I do not want to look upset and not smiling on the big day.

Sekian.

Tuesday

EASTER WITH ALEX.

I have been feeling down lately.

And it affected my personal life pretty bad.

I can't trust no one here. Basically, I hate people.

They just can't keep their mouth shut, but hey, I can't do anything bout that.

People talk, so do I.

After all the bad things, I realised that I still have a few people that I can trust.

And I'm glad and thankful that they are still who I consider friends.

It's very hard you know, knowing that you're alone in this alienated place.

No friends, no families, no fiance.

Worst, to realised that no one you can trust, even the one who is nice to you.

Here, I have Alex.

One of the people who is nice to me without having any bad intention why to be friend with me.

He's just like me, wanting to have a friend he can trust.

We both have the same sense of fashion, we have mutual understanding, we don't compete between each other and good thing is, we don't have any reasons to stab each other on the back.

That is one good reason why a girl need a man as their best friends.

With a few days left for Easter break, we figured we should go out and have fun.

Forget about all the things that had happened.

I'm glad I met Alex.

So, this that was some of the pictures on what we did.

Enjoy people.

Appreciate your best friend/friends!

Sekian.

Saturday

SO I AM "LUCKY"

For the past month, I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with us. What had happen to us actually. Making bad assumptions and such. I was not myself. I always have excuses for the things that I do and blame everything else on you. I was not being fair to you. I said things and the worst part is, I hurt you.

I uses my weakness and made bad impression on you. I'm sorry. I really am. I wasn't sure what was going on with me. I guess I was depressed with all the things that is going on. My worst skills ever, can't work under pressure. So that was what had happened.

But you, after all that, you still have faith in me. After all the shouting, arguments and misunderstanding, you make me realised, that even we are a different person, we always have things in common. Which I thought all this while we are making a wrong decisions cos we never get to be in the same road recently. I now realised that with all the arguments, I have forgotten how much we love each other. You prove it just with one simple thing and opened my eyes to everything.

I am so thankful that I have you. Now I know why we are together. Cos we complete each other. I am what you're not, and you're what I am not. I was looking at a different perspective before. I was totally shut off. Well now, I know that I am 'lucky'. Irony is, I thought I was lucky before and actually am, even dedicated that 'Lucky' song to you, but never really understand the meaning of being one. Well now hubby, I know. :)

ILSMMS.

Sekian.

Wednesday

A PLACE I CALL HOME.

You warm my nights.

I miss you.

IMYSMMS

Sekian.

Monday

CAN'T.

What I've been and always been missing.

Words can't speak

Actions can't express

Heart can't lie

That I love so much.

ILYMS.

Sekian. :)

Sunday

SERENITY

What I have been feeling now is what I have been missing..

I thought I have lost it and will never be able to feel it again

My serenity…

Kenapa dalam hidup ni, bila kita at the most of our life, bamm!! Kita jatuh and dilanda masalah yang kita tak duga. Should I call this the circle of life? Tapi itu tak fair kan. Yes there is up and down, but when we wanted to have it for eternity, they just….gone…vanish….and it pull you down to the most deepest place you have never been before.

Then, there comes my serenity…

PAST TENSE.

Is this the end?
Why does it feel
like we'd only just begun?
I thought we were done.

I think I'll hang on
if you still want me,
but if you don't
I guess I'll move on.

But if you need me,
close your eyes and dream.
I'll give you back your key.
Will you be happy?

Said we'll leave it alone,
but I'll be here long.
And when I'm gone
I guess then we'll know.

I think I'll hang on
if you still want me,
but if you don't
I guess I'll move on.

I guess I'll move on,
I guess I'll move on.

EVENTUALLY.

There is up and down in life.

Same goes with relationship I guess.

There is no such things as the perfect relationship.

Perfect as in no argument and no misunderstanding and bla bla bla...

Basically being in an imperfect relationship is completely normal.

Imperfect is perfect I'd say.

I mean no argument at all. How dull is that?

It's like curry without salt.

Or carrot cake without cheese cream.

Hmmm... Now I'm hungry.

Anyway, who would want that?

Since we all want to be in the imperfect relationship,

not that I love to be in an argument or misunderstanding.

Truthfully, I hate arguments!

Such an irony ey.

You want to part of something that you call "love" but actually suffering in it.

Talking bout arguments makes me wonder why it even starts in the first place?

Was it me?

Was it him?

Will the feeling that you had before effected what you will have?

Or it was just something he said or even worst because of someone else?

So I try and recall every single arguments that we had.

Go through text messages, emails, blogs and facebook.

It usually happens at the end of the month.

Arguments according to me of cos, was all about the things that he said.

And it is always because of someone else.

Not because of me or him.

So then I think, why does the things that he said suddenly makes me feel hurt?

He said those things all the time.

Then it goes back to me.

Why am I being so sensitive?

Then I realise.

Damn you PMS!

Sekian.

Friday

WHAT FRIENDS DO.

I have been busy lately. Assignments, tutorials and from all other distractions.

Tonight, I'm updating where and what me and Alex did last two weeks.

We went to the City Park.

We had home cook lunch there.

We enjoy the day like others.

Talking and laughing. It was a beautiful day.

Basically we do what friends do.

Talk bad bout people, gossiping......... Not!

We have better things to talk about.

Hellooo...

Not like some people.

Daily routine is to talk bout every single human that they know.

Sometime I wonder what is actually their input in doing these things.

On one hand, I seriously pity you with your 'not much things to do in my life so I talk shit bout people' lifestyle.

But on the other, I'm thankful to know that I have a stalker.

Yes, thanks to you.

Moving on,

we talked about uni life, personal life,

everyone around us and everything that happens surround us.

Plan to go here and there,

what to buy, and what not to buy.

Most important thing-shopping!!

That's what we do.

We love to shop. Well no, I love to shop.

Alex just be there to stop me from not to shop!

Thanks Alex, for being such a great friend! :)

Here are some photos.

What friends do.

Enjoy..

Sekian.

Tuesday

MOVED BY.

Last weekend, I had not much to do. I figured I should clean up my external hard disc.

I opened the movies folder and looked at all the movies that I have.

Thought that maybe I should just watch one.

So there I was browsing, and saw one folder 'Julie And Julia'.

The one and only movie that I haven't watch.

I was questioning myself in my head why in hell I haven't watch this movie.

Couldn't figure it out why.

Anyway, I just opened the folder, right click and press play.

I was so moved by the story. It's about 2 true stories that was filmed in a different era.

Both stories are connected through cooking. But it isn't just about that. It's about how how one's life affected another. And as always, there's always about relationship.

Not just about typical relationship between man & woman, but it's about relationship that you have with someone who doesn't know you. About how you build that relationship.

Not that I'm forgetting the relationships in both stories. Love them.
Honestly, I would like to have that kind of relationship.
In which your partner actually support in what you're doing.

Not to say that my partner doesn't, but let's just say that the enthusiasm was never there. Nevertheless, I'm still happy.

I love the characters, love the storyline, and the climax of the story, which was definitely the turning point of the whole story. Definitely the opposite of what I expected. And that is good. Plus, it's a true story. I love true stories. Here are the trailer and clips of the part where I love in this movie.

Here is the link to the original blog of Julia Powell:
http://blogs.salon.com/0001399/2002/08/25.html

And one of the main reason why I love this movie, they have my favourite song - Time After Time.

So people, enjoy! :)

And here is my favourite song which happened to be the soundtrack of the movie. :)

Sunday

SEAPORT.

Last 2 weeks, me and Alex decide to go to Seaport.

Where I discovered that they have the best carrot cake so far, and ice cream of cos.

So we hang out, enjoy the weather, took photos and talk. Which what I need. I had the classic flavoured, chocolate and Alex had mint.

It was heaven.
:)

YES I AM LUCKY.

I haven't been updating my blog for awhile. I know.. I know.. I've been busy with other things.

Anyways, I'm uploading a video. I fall in love with the lyric. It's simple yet so sincere. Just love it. And obviously it reminds me of my fiance. The song says a lot about our relationship. So hubby, this one is for you. You know I love you. So people, enjoy. :)